Just gargled Fireball to get the fish taco taste out of my mouth. Almost as good as gum.
On a scale from 0 to 24...wait, 3 to 24, where 6 is the lowest and 12 is the highest, how freaking high re you right now?
a stripper queefed in my friends mouth last night and it reminded me of you. miss you
Nah it's cool, I made him pinky promise me he wouldn't die if I left him passed out in the bathroom.
she has a fucking refrigerator full of four loko and is charging 15 dollars a can.... she is like a mini donald trump
You could probably play six degrees of separation of my cock in this city.
I just took a shit with a lightsaber in my hand. Dreams fulfilled.
Its like a match made in avoid-eachother-because-we're-antisocial-and-awkward heaven
It's a 'fuck poison control' kind of night.
he said we should drink responsibly and we all just kinda sat there laughing at him
My one night stand said I love you, opened my fridge, stole my cream cheese and left.
God if that man would just have sex with me every time I got mad life would be so much easier...
Single lady's Saturday night: eat doritos, masturbate, eat more doritos. Do shot of Jager. Repeat until desired result is achieved.
Never in a million years thought I would have to put jello shot recipe/equation into an excel spreadsheet
Look, all I'm saying is that you're going to be a great Vodka Mom.
Randomize
