He bought me a flower. He's totally getting head every day for a week.
Just watered mom's plants with leftover mixed drinks full of Bacardi Silver. I'm such a good daughter.
Sober now. I'm really glad I didn't try to make out with that guy who has a pregnant fiance
he wouldn't lick chocolate syrup off of me because he's vegan. most awkward shower ever.
Just witnessed a fat waitress doing whipits in the back of a waffle house.. my life seems a little brighter..
Also the bouncer Straight up told me my id was shitty and I should get a new one. But he let me in anyways because #boobz
I wound up gambling on giant connect four with the bartender. I think he saw my boobs.
Tell him "come over but don't bring a flaccid dick"
Wear something tight
i was sitting in the back of a squad car completely stoned watching airplanes take off
Another development in my life...I think I pulled a muscle in my neck from vomiting this weekend.
It's election day and I was just tied up with an American flag scarf
No. We can't get pedicures until my toenails grow back.
She has a bong hits for Jesus shirt. Of course I'm going to like her.
Are we DOING anything for lunch...if sex is involved, let's just be straight forward and stop wasting the first half hour! We just need to get to the point
Why were there just 3 inflatable bounce houses delivered to my house?
oh shit.
Randomize
