Sometimes I wonder if my friend studies mystic Christian theology because he's afraid to come out of the closet. Evidently, it's okay to talk about God coming inside you, but not to say the same about dudes.
also, i may or may not be wearing a cape right now. hint: i am.
someone should tell her that easter eggs aren't meant to be dildos.
We had unprotected sex and she's eating life cereal for breakfast. The universe is telling me get the plan b for her
At this point I feel like i'm never going to be sober, and it's frightening
Postcard from jail please. Reserving a spot on my fridge.
Find me a date. With a beard. I want him to rub his beard on my tits. I'm not even into that stuff but I think it'd be so warm.
We lost you in the mall, but to no surprise we found you waiting in line to sit on santas lap. You said you wanted to ask him for a pound of weed and a subway giftcard for xmas.
Just delivered a pizza to a holiday inn and a delivery driver from Me n Ed's walked up at the same time, we both were going to the same floor so we stood in the elevator making small talk about delivery stuff, but a small part of me wanted to deck him, stand over him and shout,"FOR THE HUT MOTHERFUCKER, FOR THE HUT!"
Jesus christ, don't start a pizza delivery gang war.
My cat is staring at me while I drink my wine on the bathroom floor in the morning instead of attending class. Sorry mom and dad. Sorry cat.
Okay, first we buy a pirate outfit and then we get drunk, you in or you out?
i just used a selfie stick to take an ass pic. i hate myself.
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
She was going down on me before I had a chance to tell her I arrested her brother 3 hours earlier
last final went out with a bang.. 20 min late bra-less, cum in my hair and i still cant find my shoes.
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