remember when jerking off was fun and not a neccesity
u just dont fucking get it...you try and cum while your cat is staring at you.
I opened my door to go to class and all there was was a raccoon puking on the doorstep. In hindsight, it was a very accurate omen.
Mattress luging...It's a long story.
She tried to ditch the cab before she payed but she forgot to grab her shoes and wake me up
"So you think you can dance" turned into "so you think you can run and slide across the bar"...Jack Daniels wins
After you threw up you would repeatedly say "napkin" like a siren until somebody got you a fucking napkin.
My brain and heart say thanks but my vagina isn't super pleased with you right now
COCAINE AND SUSPENSFUL BBC SHOWS DO NOT WORK.
Even though I'm gonna be a felon I'm having fun for time being.
Don't let me pee the bed... Its going to be one of those weekends
Last thing I remember I was riding on a picnic table being hauled around by a lawn mower with an empty case of bud light on my head...
I have two bottles of emergency tequila stashed under my desk at work.
I didn't know it was possible and I don't know if I'll ever be able to do it again on my own but he literally fuck me sideways.
I can get weed and taco bell delivered but frozen peas and a loaf of bread are just too scarce, what the hell is wrong with people?
Randomize
