It smells like Drakkar Noir and desperation out here.
That's why you should quit smoking.
i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
just had to shower sitting down. i hope this isn't an indicator of how the rest of my week is going to go.
I got used. This is the happiest day of my life. I was just a huge cock and that is all she needed.
No no I got the black eyes when I tried to do a flip off the second deck of a pontoon boat. Actually when I did a flip, it was a success.
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
You're the common denominator of my blackouts.
She makes margaritas with lemon-lime 5 hour energy..thats brilliant
and you were wondering how she got into Harvard
Props to the guy blatantly doing coke in the bathroom at the bar. Walked out of the stall with a credit card in hand, sniffing loudly and shouting "choo choo"
Way to go. Now you have no beer and I have a cold tit.
What's the best day of the week to potentially find out you're pregnant with your ex's baby?
Like why am I even still facebook friends with a guy I let finger me at a concert?
My mom heard me having sex with my boyfriend but thought it was the neighbors. She commented on how quick it was. I just nodded and changed the subject
He howled at the moon then told me that if i were a dog he'd have sex with me...either i look like that girl or i need to stop going on blind dates. Period.
Bro i just made a pipe out of a mechanical pencil and the top to an eye drop bottle. Does that make me some kind of pot god?
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