I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
He's trying to kill me, one liver cell at a time. It's going to be a slow, but awesome death
plus shes a stripper, ive been with strippers, if you fuck this up your penis will never forgive you
Let's just go topless and paint glitter over our nipples who the fuck cares
To drunk to make oatmeal. I'm pouring it into my mouth and gargling it with beer. Ive made maple brown sugar bud light
I five year old is judging me because I just opened a bottle of Sam Adams with my teeth before 8am
Legitimate logistical question....how did you pee in your duct tape dress?
You made a glowstick headband with a helium balloon tied around it and climbed a tree in high heels. I was impressed.
This is going to be one of those "I can only do this high" classes
We're listening to space jam. This can only be a good omen.
May or may not have been going down the road shooting fireworks.
He's like a father figure to me, except we have casual drunk sex every now and then
Just saw a rice crispy commercial and got emotional. I need to go home.
ED guy's penis finally worked last night. It was a Festivus miracle!
What am I supposed to say? "Oh hey, I can't go out with you tonight because I can't picture myself sleeping with you and I was high and just trying to be nice when I said yes"?
Randomize