I did that thing where I cum for no reason again.
He had personality for days, but cock for only minutes
Dibs on passing out in front of the toilet.
You know you're wathing too much reality TV when you start adding commentary to every day life.
its not fair. if i was a guy, i'd be getting a high five for banging two in one night.
She said i saw her in the study room, waved, disappeared, came back with a coke from god knows where, and slurred "i have a drinking problem but i ate grits"
And I was somehow convinced to wash the glassware at the bar topless.
Omg 230 lb butch lesbian with a mustache grabbed my dick. I need an adult
I would totally lead with that as a line.'So, I was on Legends of the Hidden temple as a kid.. Your place or mine?'
Hey. My eyes swollen shut and I can't find my shoes. How was your night?
My goal in life is to ruin sex for someone. To be so mindblowingly unreal that they can never find anyone like me ever again. So far it's going well.
This dude has batman tighty whities on over his cargo pants and he has the nerve to yell "fuck you bitch" up at my window.
I biked home blackout drunk last night, but I have some memory of throwing my bike in a rage when I couldnt get it down the stairs. No idea on the bright orange puke in the sink.
May I make reservations with your penis for this evening?
the fact that I can still put my shoes on is a testament to the fact that I can outdrink these bros
Randomize
