i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
I just spent an hour correcting all the grammar and spelling of all the 2pac songs on my ipod
how do you have sooo much energy?
billy mays threw in a lil somethin extra when i ordered some oxiclean last week
i can totally see doctors naming an STD after you
i decided i am going on the Justin Bobby plan for success. Don't cut my hair for a year, don't shave for a month, land Audrina Patridge. Game on.
he said he doesnt sext because the government can tap that kind of shit too. no boobie pics for him.
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
... Already stepped in vomit and got a dirty look from a fat in a neck brace
We were escorted through the guys dorm by 5 kids with nerf guns and zelda shields. I felt like the president with a fucked up secret service squad.
Just at the gym drinking. We call it treadmillcolada
Woke up at 10 with bourbon being shoved down my throat and him yelling, "shot train! Don't be a bitch"
Just saw a rice crispy commercial and got emotional. I need to go home.
It's the never-ending clusterfuck that is my love life
Help. Why am I so naked?
He’s like Batman if Batman went down on me and gave me multiple toe curling orgasms. He left without saying a word before I pulled the pillow off my face
Find out if he’s shared his techniques with a friend and set me up with him. You know I’ve always had a thing for Robin!!!!
Randomize
