just met our mailman at a party, he asked me out. i said yes, but only if he picks me up in the mail truck. how jealous are you
You fell asleep mid BJ last night. I put your pants back on you. My ego is pretty bruised this morning.
I accidentally got a lemon stuck in your bong. I was trying to make it taste good. Sorry
Brandon's Recipe: two parts cocoa, one part sugar, one part milk, two parts four, 378 parts paranoia. Thanks for the fucking brownies, bitch.
found a better reason to procrastinate than the usual sunday-don't-give-no-fucks. literally every one of my textbooks is soaked in captain. can't turn a page without gagging.
then she lifted her dress, tweaked her own nipples, and then ordered another round for everyone. this place is wild at 9pm.
Her tutu was on the floor and she wouldn't take off her crown. She kept saying you're fucking a princess!
I'm proud of all of us. Somehow we all survived another Jägerbomb Tuesday
My boobs keep hanging out of this shirt. I think thats the style I'm going for tonight
mid-october of freshman year. goals have shifted from "no more guys on my floor" to "all the guys on my floor."
Ive seen a birth plenty of times, pretty awesome like a bear trying to climb out of a volkswagon.
A world without bacon flavored condoms is not one I want to live in.
She started crying because the Rugrats grew up
These business classes have improved my drug business ten fold
I broke my dick don't ask me how I need help putting in a catheter so I can piss.
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