Well whatever you do have, it sure worked on me.
A Penis?
If you liked it then you shoulda put your dick in it, oh uh uh oh
If you weren't supposed to have sex with your ex then they wouldn't rhyme.
Woke up with an epic boner today, the kind where you can spin books and shit on it. FYI: don't try spinning an encyclopedia
Im in a bar and I just invented a scrabble drinking game. People are cheering. It's like the universe has aligned itself.
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
Bitch looked at my dick and said "I thought they called you horsecock, I'm already disappointed"
I told you that line would get her home never said it was a good idea
Can I bring home a duck? Dead serious
I can measure my amount of vomit in solo cups.
Her ex was at the party her housemates were having. He knocked on her door asking how she was while we were going at it. Turns out they were trying to work things out. Don't think I'll ever forget his face when we walked out of her room.
He just walked in on me naked with a beer in my hand eating a calzone in bed. If he wasn't in love with me before...
i just found a lighter in my bra... from last night, and its 7:43pm...
Are you alone?
No, but I have to leave him in my bed while I go on this date.
He was calculating the number of ceiling tiles when I was on top it was fucking rain man.
They're doing CPR to someone in the middle of Victoria's Secret. Way to block the undies, damnit!
Randomize
