the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
The only thing that would make my night better is if William Shatner came and read me a bedtime story.
I'm so covered in bruises. God dammit drunk me. We are a lady.
the lady at the gas station just thanked me for wearing clothes this time... i am so confused
i dont trust my judgment anymore so im only going to fuck guys who can donate blood at the red cross. they have standards.
I feel like "stop licking my face" isn't something that needs to be repeated twice
Its the least I can do really, I mean, I did sleep with her husband...
There's a cop, a pizza guy and a half naked girl outside along with a dog that I don't know. It feels like I walked into a Judd Apatow movie.
You've never sent a girl a dick pic?
Call me old fashioned
Let's say hypothetically if you were going to put icing on a penis and then lick it clean...what would you ice it with? Not a knife right?
I ask for a dick pic and he sends a picture of Dick Cheney. Who does that?
Well yeah. But im not sure i trust the black out drunk high girl giving life advice
I'm not sure. I have to find the Greeks I was with last night and see if they can explain to me why I can't hear out of my right ear and why I look like I got the shit kicked out of me
The bride is so wasted, she fell into her cake.I wanna be on her level
my gyno just used the expression "dick around." too far?
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