im pretty sure there are laws against slapping prostitutes
i'm pretty sure there are laws against prostitutes.
don't worry about the poodle she's always like that. she's like 14 years old and ate a bag of weed when she was a puppy.
I feel like im in a tornado of daylight savings, tequila and death
How long does it take to cook a corndog over a candle?
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
Just had a threesome. Girlfriend wasn't a part of it. Broke up with her by sending her a picture of it. Hell is going to be awesome
Oh my god, I totally forgot we call your penis "Godzilla's Tail".
She just asked what would happen if you put a vacuum in your butt and turned it on. These are our conversations.
Ryan friended me on LinkedIn and it took everything in my power not to endorse him for sexual dysfunction as a skill.
Friend as in 'I used to have sex with her' or friend as in 'I still want to have sex with her'?
Her hotness level dropped from an 8 to a 2 as soon as I walked into her place. It REEKED of cat piss and there was no litter box and NO CATS.
I lose my morals, my dignity, and my selfie stick :(
I'm drinking apple juice and champagne while watching crossroads..like the classy bitch that i am.
One sec I was having the time of my life, the next I was shitting water
All three of the bartenders here have screwed my boss, so he's definitely gay. Unfortunately for you he seems to have a type and you're not it.
Randomize
