You're gonna have to start calling my house phone from now on
How come?
Cuz 'Dad' looked pretty similar to the word Dane when i sent that picture message
'Watching yourself cry on Photobooth' is the new 'watching yourself cry in the mirror.'
Memory from last night that just came back: me forcibly jacking him off while he yelled I DONT LIKE HANDJOBS I DONT LIKE HANDJOBS
Can't remember why I called but it definitely had something to do with Lou Bega
For the millionth time in his career, Brett Favre has screwed over the Vikings
I just turned in a 4 page paper spelling absolute as "absolut" every single time. I'm an alcoholic
how did he go about obtaining bull sperm?
Hahaha it was a great moment in my life. This must be what post child birth feels like, given you don't get a combined asshole/ vagina
He told me he wanted to sober fuck the shit outa me... I took that as a compliment
there's still three solo cups of your puke in my basement. so that needs to be solved at some point.
the breathalyzer kept saying danger. we made our new slogan danger we need more shots
Are you going to eat tacos off the floor again?
I've been vomiting all day.
All day? It's 10am.
THAT BEAUTIFUL FACE AND HEAVENLY LIGHTING IS NOT HELPING THE NOT DEAD POINT HOW DO I NOT KNOW YOU ARE NOT TEXTING ME FROM THE AFTERLIFE
The after life smells like latex gloves and hand soap
I fell out of my bed whilst trying not to move this morning. I AM ADULT
I had ice cream for breakfast two days in a row.
SUPER ADULTS
Randomize