You should see what I'm doing to your stuffed animals
i'm crying at olive garden. i've hit rock bottom
no where in the syllabus does it say "no alcoholic beverages allowed".
His car is carseat is compatible. I checked while we were banging in the back seat...
Also...you were trying to touch his balls without him noticing
i told them to call me paula dean as i was making all 10 for $10 boxes of pizza rolls in the microwave
it's like his penis is God's way of saying "sorry about his face"
I saw a stripper quit while on stage to months ago nothing you tell me will amaze me
All the alcohol I spilled on myself must have acted as a disinfectant or something. I haven't showered in three days and I still don't have a staph infection from sleeping on the lawn with you.
He is now tagging himself in my pics from last year where he is barely visable in the corner. i feel like he's marking his territory.
Thanksgiving Shitshow: My grandparents found me passed out on the bathroom floor wearing nothing but a scarf made of toilet paper
Because I'm a hot mess throwing up in the litter box
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
I'm torn between wanting to wear lipstick and wanting to make out with strangers.
So let me get this straight I was getting drunk with our science teacher from high school and you got drunk with an 82 year old woman who invited you back to her house and made you sandwiches.
Yes.
Randomize
