Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
you poured 3 beers into an empty vase and then passed out, so i drank them for you. don't say i'm not a good friend.
i saw his dick when we were four, so thats kind of ruined for me now
Stop introducing me to people as your little sister.
I don't think the lady gaga poster on your wall qualifies you as a brother.
i just ran into my boss at the liquor store. we didnt exchange words, just nodded in mutual understanding.
got into a fight with a bouncer over who's moustache is better again last night...
I hate him and his pretentious your-sleeping-in-the-wet-spot look.
Try not to get arrested for it, but otherwise i support you
He's CUTE. and foreign
By cross-referencing our messages & her Twitter feed, I've deduced that she was eating spaghetti the whole time we were sexting.
He grabbed my tits and sang "you are so beautiful" to them before faceplanting into my chest
What am I doing? I'm usually only attracted to horrible people.
i doubt you are even in possession of a crowbar.
I suggest you not find out the hard way
Hey. You got pizza and sex. How much more can you ask for?
I'm not fucking you with a Stormtrooper helmet on!
Randomize
