just to let you know, don't open your linen closet for a while until i come over with a cleaning kit and geek squad
Good thing I was dressed to impress in my "I went nuclear on my wings" shirt even the girls are making out and I'm still 7th wheeling it...
I didnt realize we were having a competition in poor decision making skills
how else could I explain the last few years
The doctor said 'youre the 2nd youngest person that ive seen with this condition. Thats probably not the silver medal you were looking for today.'
we're tailgating intramural basketball with hard drugs and tequila...and i think the players are taking shrooms
I'm like the Mother Theresa of booty calls.
I just couldn't load the family groceries on to the same seat where I had sex 12 hours ago.
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
At our floor meeting the RA was talking about bathroom hygiene and I really wanted to be like "what about shower sex."
Valid question
You lifted he top layer off his birthday cake and made it say 'eat me' in the cookie monster voice so yeah he knew.
You know you are 86'd from the legacy right? You can't down shots then spike the shot glass
if there is one thing you splurge on it better be nice condoms
she texted me 'with freud,' which i thought was drunk for 'i'm with my friend.' but nope, she was actually on a statue of the psychologist sigmund freud.
Stop fucking Sharon's exes.
Sorry it took me so long to reply. I was fucking Sharon's ex.
Did you hear about the guy wearing a spiderman mask running around naked with a bottle of patron?
Yeah.
I was spiderman.
Randomize
