How do you politely bring up someone's criminal record?
Ok cool. Ill pick up liquor because, well let's be honest, we don't need an excuse anymore.
I am particularly sorry about getting dome in your backseat. And for thinking you wouldn't notice.
You promised me a handle of vodka if I took home her ugly friend. Thanks to law class I took for the 2nd time I know that's a unilateral contract asshole
I got kicked out because I puked again I'm on the fire truck outside
Best part: she drunkenly told me I'm dangerous then slurred to my parents that I should watch out in case I fall in love with her. Then she mounted a pinata
You insisted on going outside so you could "breathe real air".
KNEE DEEP IN HOES. SEND HELP.
Yeah, my new jeep also came with custom license plates that read 4SKIIN. Not "4 skin" but "4 skiing" thanks mom and dad
You are the funniest drunk Jew I know. Never in my life have I witnessed someone respond, "Is your dick kosher?" while being picked-up on.
Who knew wearing a toga outside would provide for and infinite amount of dick to choose fron
Last night I dreamt that I sold my car and used the money to have wheels surgically implanted in my feet and legs so I became a human heely and I just rolled everywhere
how should I feel if a guy kept complimenting my bangs while I was giving him a blowjob?
She came out of the bathroom listening to her iPod and crying. Then she started scream 'she will be loved'. She seems to be handling the break up well lol
I hope no one at work can tell or smell that I have tequila in my hair and I haven't showered for days
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