Do u think I can claim pregnancy as an accident so my insurance covers it?
Michael Jackson and Farah Fawcett are dead
NOOOOOOOO not MJ! Someone tell the paramedic to grab him by the heart and just "Beat it"
Got blown by one of the bridesmaids. Family BBQ today. They all know. Talk about awkward.
And when we woke up we made beer pancakes. Great start to a family picture day.
plus shes a stripper, ive been with strippers, if you fuck this up your penis will never forgive you
He blended the pizza with water and drank the whole thing. He is my hangover hero
That's all? I'm a pro at gay chicken. I'll touch his dick, I have no problem with that.
Lesson learned. Kayak oars are not golf clubs....check
I was hooking up with this girl last night and she's on top of me with "Flux Pavilion - I can't stop" grinding in the background and I thought "Holy shit I'm going to do a lot of Molly this semester."
No, supporting your unemployed boyfriend IS NOT what credit cards are for.
I'm smoking a bowl in my bathtub. I'm meant to be alone.
I'd say "I think I gave my TA chlamydia" is an accurate way to sum up my life.
its official, you're fucking me on my lunch break. the only thing I want in my mouth is your dick. pick me up at noon.
want fries with that?
So um... You probably shouldn't post that picture of me and your crotch just because that's a new level of raunchiness that I'm not willing to accept yet
Apparent my drunk ass was so dedicated to taking a piss, when I walked across the dance floor to get to the bathroom a 9/10 broad tried to dance with me and I just pushed her aside, like hard enough to send her a few feet from where she was standing, pointed at her and said "Not now chief, gotta rock a mean one."
Randomize
