Um....I woke up to a lipgloss covered bottle of Jack daniels in my arms..
You've kissed worse.
Note to self. Champagne flavored lube is neither as tasty nor as classy as one might think.
She showed me her prom dress from 2001, which still had her date's cum stain on it.
Oh, so that's why you call her jizzarella....
Defiantly just threw away our yearly bottle collection in front of the campus tour. The school should pay me for recruitment
you were asking all the dicks on chatroulette if they had daddy issues
2011 senior yearbook drinking game. we're taking a shot whenever some dumbass uses that quote about how life isn't isn't about the breaths you take, but the moments that take your breath away. also that retarded wayne gretzky one about missing shots you don't take.
At least I cut out the pieces of your hair where I braided gum into it last night. Thank me later.
He says I tipped the waitress ten dollars because she "smelled like pigs in a blanket."
I was standing when I hit it. I barely made it to the couch before the walls started turning into people.
I'm taking a new approach to homewrecking... for science. Or I totally would. I have to see what happens between my ex & his brother when he finds out.
The walls are thin & apartments are narrow so all the bedrooms are next to each other. Our complex could compete in synchronized orgasms.
I'll be really easy to find... I'm the naked one rolling around in cats.
I think a kid would responsible me up
He asked me who my new boyfriend was and I showed him a picture of my sex toys.
And, by “make you dinner” I mean “have lots of sex and multiple orgasms.” So you should probably eat something and before you come over
And hydrate too
Randomize
