I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.
Just did a line with a monopoly bill. Tell me I'm not fancy.
i bet if teenage jesus was here he would do a shot with me
i woke up at 5 am and found myself wrapped in christmas lights that were plugged into the wall.
Puked in a plastic neiman Marcus bag while driving. My biggest accomplishment yet
We're official. Living with your boyfriend sounds so much better than fucking your roommate.
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
Honestly, your dog is in better hands with that homeless guy.
One night stand. Woke up at her dad's house. She already left for work. Shit's about to go down.
at work, .. 47 yr old boss was in a fight. 2 BLACK EYES. I may get fired. I cant stop laughing
Saying you need a hooker then asking me to have sex is NOT the way to get laid. Booty call 101.
Sunday mornings are confusing. Like. I can't decide if I want to go for a run or start drinking
So you called me the queen of nudes yesterday and I'm still not sure how I feel about it
I'm in the upstairs bathroom. I went to the bathroom after class and realized this is not a shit I want to have publicly. I ran home. We can go to lunch, just give me a min
And here I am, playing fetch with my cat at two in the morning.
Randomize
