did you get engaged???
so then she threw up in his asshole
yep..that'll do it.
at that time a 4 pound meatball stuffed with pizza rolls seemed more important than bailing you out of jail.... sorry.
In a min. With a stripper at the hospital. Business. Not pleasure.
You just met him on Thursday, and you've already nicknamed him Golden Penis?
my drunken justification for peeing in her closet was that her shoes were ugly
I'be color coordinated the clothes in my closet and my underwear drawer. I'm like an advertisement for house arrest. Help.
It's cool, I power napped on the dryer while they were fucking in the bathroom so I'm good to go now. Where are you?
Would it be appropriate to cancel a hookup to watch the golden globes?
absolutely. tina fey and amy poehler trump everything.
I'm trying to seductively eat these M&M's to let her know its on
Just bc you put "its cute" at the end of it doesn't change the fact that u have called me a vag twice this morning and its only 10:03
Got cut off last night cuz this chick had her hands down my shorts and was blatantly playing with my dick while I was trying to order. apparently that's "frowned upon"
Last night I said "I'm so glad you broke up with your lesbian soccer mom girlfriend" I don't remember how he reacted I just remember trying to pee in the woods
It's a shame I've been hooking up with him for 6 months and he still doesn't know my real name.
He sent me a pic of his coffee mug to be like "I'm having coffee too.” \nImagine that. Morning coffee. In your boring ass mug. Dick pic or gtfo.
Randomize
