my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
Your noise violation report contains the word "five-some"...wtf happened in here?
When she can manipulate the direction of her leg hair, you know its time to leave
I am watching the CFL at a Hooters in Texarakana. I made a poor life choice at some point that led me here.
Just had a brita power hour to try to counter act all the wine i chugged last night.....fucking franzia
Noooo. I told you she WAS a cancer. Not that she HAS cancer. This was the one time being a doctor didnt get you laid you alcoholic bastard
The bald eagles cry cause u drink canadian beer.
Just considered playing a drinking game with powerade with my sister so she would get some fluids in her. I do so well with sick people.
Is there a word in the English dictionary for impressed, yet disgusted?
I think the word you're looking for is flabbergasted.
I miss using glorious as an adjective. I'm gonna start doing that again. And I'm gonna try to get cuntatrosphe in there some more, too.
Clearly I was drunk when I met them I gave them a muffin. But they sure remembered me
On a serious note, don't let me forget to tell you about firecracker baseball. I'm glad I have my fingers. I had to count them.
I turned off my domesticated goddess switch over 2 years ago and idk how to turn it back on. So in the mean time I'll dodge this gf bullet and eat free steak for as long as possible
I'll be perfectly honest; there are times other guys have consented to have sex with me because of my punctuation.
He sounds like Chris Tucker and wants to eat me out when I’m on my period. If that isn’t love I don’t know what is.
Randomize
