I reminded them that I didn't puke and I cleaned yours up! So huh!
so I was thinking like, Rob Pattinson could make so much money whoring himself out dressed as Edward Cullen.
yeah, I mean if he's down to fuck a lot of fat chicks and stare at Tiger Beat posters of himself above the bed...
At least with the last gf I made it clear that I wanted to breakup when I pissed on her floor @ 3am as her roommate watched in contempt
do you ever just like the smell of your farts?
I just saw a man vacuming his front lawn. What is this world coming to?
The homeless ppl in LA are great. Theres sum guy that makes all of his clothes out of tighty whitey underwear. He makes bags out of them 2. Presumably 2 hold more underwear.
I need to figure out what I wanna do with my life.
There are margaritas in the freezer still.
He gave me his number and said the usual call whenever you need someone but then was like... or just call me.
You would pick up a guy in AA.
I puked all over his apartment, then slept with the skinniest girl here. Which isn't saying much in Ohio.
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
In two unrelated events today I have had frostbite on my toe and cum up my nose. Who says life stops when you get married?
Please let me buy the coffee, all my assets are in starbucks gift cards
this is the last time i am going to a 7am booty call
I'm pretty sure that my eyebrow is going to be swollen from a sex injury tomorrow and possibly a black eye. If it forms that way it wiil be the second time. Different eyeball. Different decade.
She did what?
Who. The correct term is she did who.
Did you see him? The correct term is definitely what.
Randomize
