So his roomate was eating breakfast when I was sneaking out. He's the guy I took home from jessicas wedding. I ended up eating coco puffs with him
Just another sign I need to get out of this town
my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
we tried to pick out bridesmaid dresses with pockets so we could sneak flasks in with us. what the fuck is the point of a dry wedding?
Why are there sofa cushions on the floor? And why isn't there a sofa in this room that doesn't have cushions?
Lets go see if some hobos will give us a prostate massage for a 40 ounce.
I'm ordering a large vanilla ice cream with rainbow sprinkles so when I vom tonight it will look like lisa frank dolphins in acid trip colors
Found my bike today. On top of the garage. I'm not even going to ask myself why.
He told me to be careful with the shrooms because he mostly had caps left. He sounded apologetic but that's the best news all week.
im lying in bed trying to choke myself out because being awake hurts too much
Bored of what? I stayed up all night researching sex toys because I'm excited to do things with you that I haven't done in 29 years of having a body.
Mom kept me on a leash as a kid, did you know this?
When she went in the beer store I got to hold it.
Pennsylvania now holds the distinct honor of being the third state I've crapped my pants in.
My vibrator turned on under my pillow when I was taking a nap this morning... I nearly shit my pants.
Its that time in the evening when I've had a few cocktails and wish you'd make a video about the packers and Jack Daniels.
Should I put the spider I likely swallowed in my sleep into my calorie tracker?
Randomize