Is it bad that my booty call's snoring was more interesting than the sex we had last night?
my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
Scratch that. Lia's boy toy's brother has a gorilla costume. This is gonna be great.
My "High Times" magazine came in today, as well as my girlfriend's new sex toys. We're calling in sick today.
She made me add her as a friend on fb before she got into my bed... I sense a stalker
I found a picture of my kindergarten class. Now you can see whose peer pressure I succumbed to.
This coming from the girl who broke up with a guy because she found out he played the tuba in middle school.
Ya I know. She's self aware though, like the terminator. Which is the best kind of crazy
Like for real, is your junk ok? I have to look after my investments.
I was on all fours trying to empty the bowl we smoked into the sewer when your neighbor came out, but besides that it went smoothly
Omg you can't vacuum salsa that's just ridiculous
Theyll love you, its bunch of older ladies who drink whisky and sours and talk about the sex seans in Game of Throwns
Of course, it's a law of friendship. "Thy friend Shalt always hold hatred for thine friend's swinish ex"
I didn't even mind that he came early I just wanted to get eaten out and cuddle
Not sure who they are or where we're going but they just bought me 3 tacos so I'm staying.
Randomize
