i'm at the gym and so are four guys who have seen my tits. i need winter break.
Just bought a handle of vodka with the excuse of "just in case we drink tonight"
I've taken to hiding pictures of us around his room so that he'll forever feel guilty for dumping me on Valentine's Day... And to potentially cock block any hook ups.
Why is everyone in the bowling alley looking at me like i'm a prostitute just because I have bunny ears on?
Yeah. I stopped her before she flashed the guy for a free slice of pizza. She called me a gentleman and then before I knew it she was in my bed.
You know it was a challenge blowing out the candles. It was hard to think of a wish, while drunk, with a concussion.
So I feel like I should feel objectified by your comment about my boobs but instead I just feel proud. 21ST CENTURY FEMINISM, BABY
I don't know if it is the Everclear or chemistry, but i think my brain is coming out of my ears.
Love you too. There are very few people I let pee in my dishwasher.
I can't thank you enough for the well-timed blowjob. What a huge improvement in my outlook on the day.
He hasn't touched a vagina in two and a half years. THIS IS WAY TOO MUCH PRESSURE TO BE UNDER
Being drunk with magicians is fucking mind blowing. This Asian guy just made a platypus appear and disappear. This is not a drill.
You look wasted in ALL of the pictures I just saw you in.
That can't be good for your liver!
Thanks for caring mom.
He eats kale on the regular. Do I look like a bitch that wants to eat kale. No. Give me some Boston market.
I wish the guy in the stall next to me would stop moaning while taking a dump.
I wish you'd stop texting me from the toilet.
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