sexting on a treadmill. speed 9.0 beat that slut!
I wish we were homeless so drinking on the streets was acceptable.
I feel like vodka or no vodka, you'd still be trying to button your cat into your comforter
I know I said that I'd stop dating 20 year olds... but at least this one's not my student...
Just found puke on my backpack while sitting in class. It's like this weekend won't leave me alone.
I want a grilled cheese and an IV
When u wake up, don't be alarmed by the passed out mariachi band, they're cool. Muchos gracias
I am way too attached to fictional lesbians.
Does buying my brother condoms for Christmas say "keep having sex with her, I like her" or "dear god, do not get this girl pregnant"?
Opened the apartment door and the smell of sex and weed literally slapped me across the face. Kudos.
Weird, Jen didn't know mixers were solely for coloring purposes. Don't call me an alcoholic because you're uneducated
Hey, sorry for threatening to teabag your mom to death last night
You tried to ride his dick and fell off. Then tried to ride the floor. That's why he hasn't called back
I just want an early 40-something dude who is vaguely unencumbered, professionally driven and wants to put me in a ball gag.
Sex was followed by homemade breadsticks. I waited till after the breadsticks were gone to tell her i had a gf.
Randomize
