I've officially put my junk in foods from 5 of the 6 layers of the nutrition pyramid
She goes outside, smokes 2 cigarettes, and insists on walking up the 7 flights of stairs so that her heart stays in shape. this woman is crazy.
How do guys with small dicks who cheat on their girlfriends get girlfriends!?!
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
He sent me a picture of his ass and said the backdoor is open. Almost grabbed my keys and a condom before I saw it was a group text. Not nearly drunk enough for his desperation.
I think my cats understand what porn is. And it's all my fault.
Yeah I made some freshmen feed me oddles of noodles and I passed out
I think shooting the BMW with the bow and arrow is when our group became the evening's antagonist
I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.
Lab coat again saves the day - hiding embarrassing shart evidence...
I just ate a raisin that tasted like wine. Is this real life or is this my body trying to tell me it's Friday and I should be drinking right now?
I made out with a girl because I wanted to get in the VIP section of the bar because they have these big comfy couches. It worked.
EXCEPT MY COUSIN SAW MY SEX TAPE!
bitch dont make me pour hotsauce in your vagina
I just got woken up by that guy wearing a Krispy Kreme hat giving out donuts
Randomize
