Tonight has been like a good ass fucking high school movie
consequently i now know what mace tastes like
Matt just took me to visit my puke stain from 2 weeks ago at the train station...I'm fucking impressive
If she wasn't my friend I'd think she was a huge slut
I went back up to the apartment to get her phone and when I came back she was peeing on the sidewalk
Some old truck driver just made me smell his beard I hope tonight turns out better
Fortunately for myself I'm twice as smart and half as drunk as everyone else. All things considered I'm leaving here three-to-five times richer than when I arrived.
You gave me your shirt to use as a napkin every time I spilled beer on myself. Before we went to the bar.
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
Naked snow angels was a very bad idea. My vag is now frozen shut.
I'M GOING TO FUCK AN ENTIRE ORCHESTRA AND NOTHING CAN STOP ME
The band club does not count as an orchestra
I hate when I wake up and find my vibrator next to me. Such a waste of an orgasm...getting myself off in my sleep and not remembering
It isn't about the beer pong. It is about the destruction of the patriarchy.
not sure if actually covered in glitter or just drunk
chipped my right front tooth on a toilette. i figure if i keep drinking i won't care for at least 2 days
Randomize
