I just egged your windshield and it froze on contact. Have fun with that.
I woke up on a futon with 2 stolen budwiesers in my purse, 5 extra bucks, a sucker stuck to my shoe, one sock, and a stolen copy of the zombie survival guide
please tell me this is not legit
your brother is wearing shin guards in the swimming pool. i have a feeling that this happens often
Worst relationship ever. Keep in mind I've dated two married chicks and a Mormon.
At some point i could of swore that you were in my bedroom riding a manatee last night..... I like my new dealer
You know you're an adult when you break 100 to get 75 cents, to buy a condom from a bar vending machine in South Boston.
I'm mentally preparing myself to hang out with him by staring into the mirror saying "thou shalt not get naked" over and over.
Can we please get on skype for like 20 seconds so i can show you my penis and the spiderman temporary tattoo that is right above it
I just want someone to shove bread from panera down my throat
Also, you should've bet on Team Liver.
We won.
USA USA USA
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
CALL ME OLD FASHIONED BUT PEE IS FOR TOILETS
he force fed me pizza, ripped my clothes off, almost broke the couch, and actually broke my nose. it was a good night, i'd say 😂
Aww well I’m kinda unsober so probably best
Someone sitting next to me at this football game is totally eating chicken nuggets out of his pocket and drinking four loko. I wanna be him.
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