If I don't come home tonight, I've died in a pile of gay.
i guess that's what happens when you find your girlfriend at the zoo
spending the week with her family was quite possibly the longest ive ever gone without having a boner
We woke up, fucked, and shared a piece of my sister's first communion cake for breakfast.
And you thought you were going to hell last weekend.
it's my sixth sense. If there's an orgy within 20 miles of me i'll know about if. Or be a part of it.
I have jerked off in every room in your house. *the more you know
Lightning struck the tree right outside of her window as I came inside her. I think its God's way of saying go by plan b.
They're doing shots to celebrate every 15 minutes passing. You can come get them.
Free tacos and bad night are never used in the same sentence
If you got tons of KY ads on HuluPlus, it's because I hit "relevant" every time.
I just ironed my gstring.. this is please fuck my brains out on a whole new level.
There is a car windscreen wiper in my handbag... Not my car's, not ok.
In local news "Man Stabbed With Golf Club" next person who tells me this is a safe place to live gets punched...
She dumped me and then asked if I wanted to come to her improv show. Fuck theatre majors, man.
Could you just like have a friend who feels bad for me and secretly always wanted to have sex with me
Randomize
