Hey you
You're the only one I'll text back during sex. what's up?
You closed the sidewalk off to pedestrians last night. With a glitter covered safety cone
I just found all of my Mary-Kate and Ashley movies. Can you say drinking game?
I had to rush to my room and get my vibrator off my bed i didn't want him to know how long it's been since I had a decent fuck.
I woke up covered in sausage cart mustard and champagne
I mean, I can get to know him eventually. The time frame doesn't really matter. I'll have sex with him regardless of whether he's interesting or not.
Woke up naked wearing mismatched earrings. Didn't even make it to the bar.
so my mom thinks I'm picking you up just to go buy you liquor before you go back to school tomorrow...
I'm ashamed that your mom thinks I haven't already taken care of that.
I suppose we should both be prepared for the secret service to come visit us after this conversation. Hi NSA.
Fuck me this girl I went home with has a cover on her remote control so there is no spills to ruin it. Imagine how many condoms she's going to make me wear
Ok: all ex-gfs except you from the last 5 years have or are about to have a baby...be on the lookout...
I'm hiding in the bathroom at the library but there are children here I just want to drunk cry in peace
It took me longer to jump start my car and get to his house than the fucking actually took.....
i dont believe you. i want proof. if you end up at a hospital send me a pic.
I'm sitting in the hospital with him while he's still half drunk with a busted leg because he thought he could do parkour off a rock
Randomize
