Hey. Did u tell any1 that I use Nuvaring?
Cuz 1 of ur bf's frat bros just asked me if I wanted to "play ring toss later"
I wish we were homeless so drinking on the streets was acceptable.
These people keep looking at me like I'm the first person to ever eat ribs in a Home Depot.
dude, you cant keep using "she roofied me" as an excuse to bang all these fat chicks
Why are you speaking in third person?
Because I'm so hungover that I don't even want to be myself anymore.
A white limo full of drunken 30 something business people pulls up next to me and asks if they can kidnap me until 1030. If I don't make it back tonight, call someone and tell them I died gloriously
Best part of having a window in your office is that you can leave through it when you shit your pants at work.
And I can say one thing, I look pretty good in high wasted pants. I don't know if that helps. But I do. God I'm high.
I also love my swipe to text changed a singular vagina to a plural vaginas. like my phone somehow knows I secretly want 2 vaginas
Ran into my statistics professor at the bar, he chugged a car bomb and yelled "x bar mothfucker!". On average I'm loving this PhD program.
either he just commented on my nose ring or he's offering me cocaine, I honestly can't tell
I yelled at him as he left "you broke up with me. You lost your blow job privileges"
I don't know where you went, but if you're anywhere near the liquor, pour me another drink
screwing the intern at work sucks when u find out the boss is too. She is a smoking hot though
At least your wife cheated on you. Women will feel bad for you. In a month there will boy bands that are jealous of your dick
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