apparently red wine has the total opposite effect that whiskey does on his dick
My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
Call me in 2 minutes and go along with what I say. You're hysterical and I must go comfort you asap. He just asked if I was ready to experience sex with a wizard and he wasnt kidding.
i am about to cut my stepbrother's hair into a mohawk with the same clippers i use to trim my pubes. god is so on my side today.
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
i felt obligated to tell him happy birthday since we trashed his house and i fucked his friend in his basement
It finally happened. My conscience stopped working. I've never felt so free
Our room will be decorated with my urine.
You were captain morganning on the laundry hamper and when I walked in you slingshotted a thong at me and started peeing. This all came back to me when I picked up some jeans to wear and they smelled like piss.
yeah...well...life isn't all puppies & lap dances
What part of don't open in front of your kids didn't you understand? Astroglide, magnums, fuzzy handcuffs and a blindfold are going to be hard to explain as friends presents.
I'm sorry I told you to go fuck yourself after you said good morning to me when I was hungover.
Are you alone?
No, but I have to leave him in my bed while I go on this date.
I am so horny. It's like all the stress of finals week has relocated to my vagina.
It’s only loud for those who wanna get loud. The bowlers are protected.
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