I'm at a work party and I don't know how to drink socially. You know, like slow?
it's like sucking your thumb. only its not yours. and its a penis.
Is it wierd that you're going to be my best man and you've fucked my wife?
OMG A WOMANS PROSTETIC ARM JUST FELL OFF AT BAGGAGE CLAIM
not saying it was a bad idea to throw an impromptu party but someone stole the microwave
The chlamydia really affected his face.
your ability to divide cases of beer among any given group of people equally was missed.
this one kid was speed-mumbling about putting broccoli in the printer
dude, my hangover is telling me there was tequila involved
Am I supposed to confront my 52-year-old boss/mother of 3 about the fact that we matched on Tinder?
I think it's safe to assume that dad heard you lose your lesbian virginity last night
I'm sending you a dick pic. Ill tell the other ppl in this pancheros its cool
Don't send a pic of dick unless it's inside the burrito
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
She was giving me head, and a cop pulled up next to us. I freaked when he looked over at me, but so did he and rear ended the car in front of him.
Just used the word fistfucking in a serious conversation with my professor in front of the class, while making an appropriate and valid point. Win.
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