I don't think he's ever woke up with a paraplegic stripper sitting on his face before.
I literally stabbed myself so I had a valid reason to get out of having sex with her
I think it was the chocolate body paint and awesome blowjob that finally made us official.
what kind of wine goes with anal sex and shame?
and she just brought her bike into the shower with her
I feel like it'll be a success as long as she doesn't end up dead in a ditch. There has to be a line somewhere.
He even wore it to bed. What the hell. He's too excited about that goddamn costume.
Haha no we did it on his bed. Then rolled off into the bean bag. It was a strangely athletic performance on my behalf.
It's ok, it's locked within patented Sealrite technology. That puke is staying fresh
Great news. I WILL BE FUCKING IN A BOUNCY HOUSE TOMORROW.
it's like the easy bake oven version of plastic surgery
So what's it like to be pregnant?
It feels like I'm hungover and when I was drunk I was kicked off a mechanical bull and then trampled.
My life is in shambles. Just made a grilled cheese in the microwave on a hot dog bun
I need to take my iPad to the Apple store (when this is all over). Do I need to delete all my dick pics/videos or are they used to stumbling across that sort of thing?
Wait, you met him on Onlyfans? The guy from last night? Which one of you is the fan?
Because one of you banged your stalker
Randomize
