dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
You tried to tell me you weren't high while you were eating French onion dip out of the jar with a spoon
he just asked me to email him a handle of captain morgans...how sober do you think he is?
I've been watching anime, masturbating and eating nutella for three days. I hope she never comes back.
i must of done something right to please the booty call gods. . . maybe fucking that fat chick?
It started as a joke and ended with a trip to the emergency room, a broken macbook and a gigantic hole in the concrete of my driveway.
I'm allowed to be upset. I've never had that many fingers in my ass
I hit on her. So did Sarah. Neither of us got anywhere. I swear she's asexual. Like Switzerland.
Dude, sorry for live texting you my binge drinking. If you'd like me to do the same for my hangover, I can share that I just had to sit down while q-tipping my ears.
All I remember is waking up with 3 penises pointed at my face. I also remember enjoying that a lot. And then I threw up in their shower.
So hungover. Have a black eye from where I tried to brush my teeth and stabbed myself in the eye instead. Should make the performance review I was stress drinking about go so much better.
she genuinely believed that kangaroos are a cross between a deer and a T-rex
I just heard your voicemail. Glad you like my dick and think I'm cool
We got a noise complaint for vacuuming too much but not for getting really high and yelling about peanut butter
You showed up at my house at 4am with a bloody nose, one shoe and a bucket of chicken... I live no where near a place that sells chicken in a bucket..
Well that would explain the bones in my purse.
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