i spent 15 mins trying to take money out of ATM with my drivers license saying, "what the fuckkkk" everytime it didnt work
I had just got her shirt off when I realized that I was about to fuck Chewbacca from Star Wars. The way she moaned confirmed that I was.
i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
Dude..masurbate with cocoa butter lotion..its like cocoa pebbles just gave me a hand job
so are you any less fat since you started doing blow?
I literally just wielded a katana to save a child's life. What did you do today?
Whatever, the fact of the matter is that I saved you from poorly planned outdoor sex by doing a rain dance and you should totally thank me.
Dont make this weird.... I was wondering if I could paper mache a few of your dildos this weekend?
When you get home there will be live fish in the bathtub. I did not put live fish in the bathtub.
Depending on which video of him streaking you watch, you can see me passed out in the front row.
Good morning! So would you prefer me to show up kind of late or on time but looking like I got chewed up and spat out by an episode of Buffy the Vampire Slayer?
She tried to gratify me left handed. Let's just say I've been placed on the 15 day DL.
Seriously. I'm like, "Wait, we are actually talking about physics in the middle of sex and its ACTUALLY erotic because you're so fucking intelligent I'm turned on?"
I'm gonna take a crap in the portashitter like a civilized human being.
Get ready for me I'm full of tequila and I want to be full of you next
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