my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
just woke up in the beanbag bin at walmart
i ate 2 chicken nuggets and puked out 5. that doesn't even make mathematical sense
I have a plus one for the Blackout Express, should I pen in your name?
Swear to god this chicks brother got let out of jail for the weekend for the sole purpose of cock blocking me
I would compare it to a jeffrey but in smoothie form. More drugs in here than Bobby Brown's sock drawer.
and it seems i've caught your masturbating bug. thanks.
Someone just knocked jenga into a plate of cake. I'm licking off each piece one by one.
We HAVE another bedroom, it's not like I was gunna chain you into the closet. Often.
Captain America stopped by our tailgate. He ate a taco.
it's not that I hate people, I just want to rip most of their faces off.
Some rando guy literally just put my shoes on and tied them for me because I'm drunk... Is this what it feels like to be a princess?
Uhmm, it's called hentai.
I DON'T CARE WHAT IT'S CALLED I DON'T WANT TO SEE IT ON MY WORK COMPUTER
I'm literally rolling on acid for the first time during Thanksgiving. Help me.
I had a rough night. I'm just gonna lay here and masturbate for a while before I have to go adult.
Randomize
