Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
I should just wear a shirt that says "Im Sorry" on the front because the second we land in Vegas, I'm going to be a fuckin trainwreck.
Before we started fucking, he laid me on the bed, and asked my what my sleep number was, so that i would be "comfy"
apparently i was just sitting there with my shirt down holding my boobs saying "its ok. its all gonna be ok"
I think this baby is eyeing my beer
Just picture a dyson vacuum with razor blades. That's how it felt.
My dick was almost in plain McDonald's sight
Can you bring home an IV stand and an empty bag so I can direct inject coffee for work tomorrow morning?
I've seen you dance and let's just say its a good thing you don't have a small dick
I'll screw just about anything, but I draw the line there
This bowl is so big, I just said out loud, "I'm going to die here" as I blew smoke out the cat door. Merry fucking Christmas.
its the 14th virginity that counts the most anayways
You took the receipt and ate it. You then took it out and gave it to the waitress with slobber and holes all over it.
i feel like you should know pants are always optional
Just showered and cleaned every bit of sex off of me cuz i have a feelin my stepmom has jesus powers and would be able to smell it on me
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