I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
True love is taking a shit with the one you love in the bathroom with you.
I think dad's getting high again. His last google search was "awesome ping pong shit."
Please tell me this is my four loko that I just woke up in....
Hmd? did you really just created an abbrievation for hold my dick?
but he gave me mouthwash after the bj. no ones ever done that for me before.
it was all good until he screamed "for fraaannnceee" on his last thrust
Well sorry I accidentally spooned your mom and possibly threw up on you
Woke up to the UT campus police fishing my boxers out of the university pool, guess it was a good night.
I need you to ship me a penis cookie care package.
I literally ate pizza on a toilet and made up reasons as to why you should make out with that boy. I am unstoppable.
How do you get the "hangs out with drunk assholes" insurance
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
They cut me off when I tried to pee in the corner of the bar.
I wrote life affirmations on my notes to repeat and read several times a day so I become a better person, see the time on the toilet has been constructive
Randomize
