I saw his package. It spoke to me.
Oh yes. The girl who wanted me to watch her pee.
i may or may not have puked on your loofa in the shower.
How come the only thing we can do right in our lives is drugs?
I don't care. I'll be that guy that eats cake in a car. Alone. With the doors locked.
Woke up to a huge puddle of water in the living room floor, apparently I made an indoor snowman.
I fell asleep at the bar. And the bouncer threw a snowball at my face.
Im in the bathtub drunk. Less than an hour before the interview. This will be the best or worst career move ever., support?
After 13 tally marks I wrote the number 4,000 and made u sign my arm to prove it.
Things are very odd on my 29th hour of being awake. Thought there was a bird in my lecture hall and it was just a girl putting up her hair. What even
Last night at McDonalds, you lied across the counter, pulled up your shirt and yelled "BODY SHOTS"...
I just need like a magic vacuum to suck everything out of me and then an IV to put good stuff back in
I don't need a lecture. I'm 41. I know I'm an idiot.
I'm six Popsicles away from an existential breakdown.
A guy just threw up in my lecture of 500 ppl and just got up and walked away
Randomize
