youre so sexy i want your bod
dude, did you turn gay?
heather?
this is jacob
She'll never know what hit her
I dunno. Girls tend to recognize ball-to-chin contact.
this kid at 40 friday greeted another kid by saying "heeey farmville neighbor"
dude.
yep. needless to say i didn't meet anyone and spent yet another friday night masturbating.
could you please tell me why you thought vodka soaked band aids were a good idea?
The moral of the story is do not hire me because everything will end up smelling like pickles and I will not sufficiently clean it up.
Ok so in the last 18 months I have now driven four different dudes into counseling. I'm like heroin with a vagina.
He asked me "did you used to go to church" while we were having sex.
Tell me why I woke up spooning a hamburger like it was a teddy bear.
A man and his most likely hooker just bought us Taco Bell.
I can't believe you picked a finger in the ass over lunch with me.
The waitress at the airport bar just asked me if I wanted a "to go" beer, hahahahaha OF COURSE I WANT A TO GO BEER.
You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
We were drunk having sex and I knocked over her bedside table/fish bowl and she jumped off to check if her fish was still alive but she made me pasta so it's cool
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
I just found a condom in my jolly ranchers bag. This is a good omen.
Randomize
