Do brothers usually kiss their sisters?
The university put out a message about those missing salt and pepper shakers... You should at least give back 60 of them.
You know you have a great job when you need a DD home from work at 6pm.
This kind of poor decision making requires a real cup, not a mason jar.
What type of outfit says "I know you slept with my boyfriend before and are also way skinnier than me, but I look better...somehow"
Im doing shots of vodka in the bathroom covered in pillows.
Tornado warnings are fun!
My mother is even happier about me having a sugar daddy than I am
Have you ever just sat there and thought about past penises?
So I've been spending my morning trying to figure out if there's a corealation between Wednesday margarita night and the boat that's now in my living room.
I think John will remember that birthday for a while. I'm still dying at the fact a stripper was hunting me down.
Brah, we should get a "do not disturb sign"... I can't have people knocking on the door while I'm high, it fucks with me way too much.
Sometimes I think he has a hidden camera in my vagina so he knows what I'm doing and saying at all times...
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
you were on a whole other level. you went home with him because he said "you got some light ass eyes"
I never thought I'd be on my couch watching Star Trek, getting my tits rubbed while crying.
Randomize
