Ask me how many people I've slept with. Because its changed since I last saw you.
I saw you 20 MINUTES AGO. You need to stop this.
i thought i was the drunkest one there til some girl puked in the tip jar.
I am more sore today than I was after my car wreck. Take it as a compliment that you bang harder than a semi-truck.
Just saw a woman with a Pomeranian in her bra. Way to step up your game Seattle.
I will fight anything that is not spinning right now
I can't wait for round whatever # we're on tonight.
I'm watching people hook up tonight who, when they wake up tomorrow, are going to wish they were blind.
Please stop letting me make out with hot lesbians.
Definitely not. I may be your best friend, but first and foremost I am a guy. Please continue.
I am not betting on the failure of any friend that is not you.
I just fist bumped God in my head for last night. What a bro.
he's just got his life so together and it makes my pussy wet.
I'll have a whole suitcase of emergency bacon with me obviously
He unliked all of my pictures on instagram, I don't know whats worse, the fact that he did it or the fact that I noticed..
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
Upon further investigation my nipples are bruised and I have teeth marks all over.
Randomize