Saw a dead body on the way to the casino. I think that's a good sign.
Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
I'm not going to blow you while you look at fish on the internet.
Whats the name of the guy with his hand down my pants?
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
I told him I wanted to have sex to "halleluiah", he suggested the poke-rap.
I know it's pride week, but your asshole is just never supposed to taste like banana.
They high fived mid Eiffel Tower, then we all proceeded to talk about how our friendship is much stronger now. I'd say a successful first threesome.
My mascara kind of smells like tequila to me...Is this my body crying for help or asking for a shot?
I keep looking at his nude pics and crying because ill never see it in person again.
Just had ice cream and a blow job come together in one glorious, defining moment.
Funny story... I got into my car and my porn started playing over my Bluetooth.
oh he pulled my dick out. wanna come over after he leaves
GET OFF YOUR PHONE
I've decided it's okay if I take a pregnancy test every month. Then I can be like, "Good job, self, way to not procreate this month!"
Trust me, I’ve got a sixth sense about dicks that tells me if a guy knows how to fuck and it’s tingling. You need to prove me right!
I’m not going to bang him just to confirm your Dickth Sense
The Dickth Sense!!! I love it! It’ll be our first porno!
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