Today I ate a sandwich and half my molar fell off, feels like a semi sprayed into my jaw.
I wish i was spraying into your jaw.
why cant girls ever use the fly? why do they always have to awkwardly try to pull it over your belt?
Spotted at kelly concert- 10 year old in a homemade "I do not hook up" t shirt. Well I should certainly hope not, sweetheart.
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
Honestly, it was easier to just put it in my mouth than to deal with an awkward conversation.
If I'm gonna go to jail I'm gonna be wearing a poncho
Why were you having sex on top of my left over pizza in the kitchen?
The security guard told you that the room was off limits and you just looked at him and said,"Its okay, I have a beard".
Anal and Aoki tickets...I'd say I give pretty good Valentines Day gifts.
I guess, just don't make it awkward
MY FUCK BUDDY'S MOTHER FRIEND REQUESTED ME! IT'S ALREADY AWKWARD COREY
Just asking. Could've given you a lap dance in a sombrero, drenched in corona and tequila.
God Bless cinco de mayo
I changed my birth control schedule so that I'm on my period while you're gone this week
I don't deserve you.
I cannot be with a girl who won't let me come home on my lunch break, eat spicy ranch and watch Breaking Bad without pants on. #lesbianproblems
He got punched in the face last night? By who? I’ll invite him to our formal. Seriously.
I kinda realized titty fucking is purely for our enjoyment, they dont really get much out of it, except for a guy sitting on them and and a dick bouncing of their chin
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