Baby momma caught me doing baby daddy in reverse cowgirl. She kicked me out and i have no clothes, come get me.
I hope you walked the shit out of that shame.
I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
If it wasnt for my iphone and loopt, I would still be wandering the streets in a drunken stooper. Thanks Steve Jobs.
...there is blood under my fingernails.
...I hope my roomates are okay.
i tried slipping money on her dresser whenever she brings guys home hoping she'll start to question her goals in life... i think its only encouraging her
we banged on the home plate. i wasnt even aware of the significance of where we were until afterwards hahaha
And PS thanks for calling it my "sexual liberation" and not "slut fest 2010: part deux!"
plus shes a stripper, ive been with strippers, if you fuck this up your penis will never forgive you
New rule. Every time you and I have a disagreement that lasts longer than 10min, while in a bar, we'll have a shot. Figure we'll eventually start agreeing sooner rather than later...
Just found out i over drew my checking account on a 711 hot dog
Do u remember buying that
I remember eating it on the curb like a drunken hobo
sober me is the one who makes bad decisions every boyfriend I've ever had I met sober
Did you send me a cake saying 'Happy 1st One-Night Stand Ever'?
I think about him when I masturbate so I guess you could call it love
That female nurse who took a selfie with my man parts well I was out of it just got fired and arrested... You know all she had to do was ask lol
I'm sitting on the couch playing the sims, how's ur night going?
I'm sitting on my floor, drinking wine, and listening to bette midlers "wind beneath my wings"
Why are our lives so predictable?
Randomize
