Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
I woke up to blood crusted on my face. I don't understand
team rage. no explanation necessary
I am not kidding you. There is an airport luggage cart overturned in my driveway. We need to stop going to the airport bar.
My mom and I are having a "yay I don't have herpes" shopping trip day
Hmd? did you really just created an abbrievation for hold my dick?
all i wanted was to be slutty. now i'm meeting him for drinks tomorrow because he woke up before i had a chance to sneak out and was too polite to say no
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
You and the dog were competed for the water dish
How was that my fault?! I made you breakfast and gave you cake, as you asked. Then, you initiated sexual activity.
I know you all think its cute to drop me off in a different state when I black out, but I can't wake up in family campgrounds asking where I am. These parents are scared.
so we were doing it and I was like umm hi im losing my virginity can you take off your beanie
I wanted to buy shoes but nothing fit. So i'm getting a vibrator.
Btw, you owe me. One (1) orgasm.
when I walked in the door they were passed out naked, on top of eachother, with tetris controllers in their hands.
The worst part is there are all kinds of happy creatures out here like fucking snow white and i'm sitting in semi-dead grass, hungover with a burnt butt
Randomize
