hotel room ftw
so Brent and I ordered you a drink then realized you don't live here. I drank it.
He said he only talked to me because I talk dirty in bed.
After going down on me he either said "there, it's over" or "there's an odor"... I couldn't hear him and was too embarrassed to ask him to repeat himself. I just got dressed, grabbed my bag, and left. So I don't think there's gunna be a second date. =(
how come everytime i call mom shes doing tequila shots
I kept trying to give you water and you kept spitting it back at me. You looked like a camel. People were staring
Listen it's no longer the walk of shame to class when ur leaving the frat house and the brothers ask "when are coming back home"
Last night I watered my lawn and smoked a joint then cooked a steak. I'm really killing this adulthood thing.
Swimming turned traumatic when grampas shorts slipped off..
I should not be able to sum up my life with a taco brand motto...
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
I believe the only reason I am slightly functional right now is the leftover drugs in my nose that I keep sniffing
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
college girl with braces trying to flirt with you...time to go
All I remember is you shouting "THIS KID IS A FREAKIN' NINJA!!" when he dive rolled over a barbed wire fence and proceeded to ask for his 18th beer.
Randomize
