So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
Drunk off five beers on a Tuesday. I'm not sure which part of that statement is more sad
She said i kept moaning her moms name instead of hers
Sometimes I wonder how you ever made friends then I remember it's because you blew your way to semi-relevance
I made this pact with my vagina, though. No more heartless fuckery.
This is embarrassing but i think i might have left my fake tooth at your house on your night stand.
you were making out with a guy that looked like Fat Albert, I kicked you in the vagina but you didn't stop
With a few pieces of metal and duct tape and a bong was created
So, seriously. How does it feel to know that you're riding a cock that was in kindergarten when you were going to prom?
So both cops helped talk her into coming back into the bar and doing a shot with me. The main argument being, "a bar is no place to be sober!"
omg he is no good in bed, bless his little heart and his big dick
Vodka and tater tots have managed to satisfy me more than most of the guys I've slept with.
Sexting just isn't as much fun once you learn how bad he is in bed...
How did your walk of shame include a trip to Walmart and how did you bump into the cop that arrested you last night there?
Turns out naked yoga wasn't a pickup line. I feel betrayed.
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