I'm trashed wearing your mom's snuggie. She says hello.
She's in the bathroom crying cuz she can't get the condom out of her giner. Do you have tongs?
Apparently mid blow job I started crying telling her how "Wonderful this blow job is"
he wanted me to dress up like someone from lord of the rings. I dumped him.
something came early last nite... and lemme tell u it wasn't christmas...
he just found out the funeral is this morning so i'm wearing last night's clothes and look like a total slut.
You overflowed the toilet cuz you tried to flush apples. you said they were singing too loudly
This weekend has taught me that sometimes, being buried under a mattress is the safest place in the room.
At the start of the night I was all 'come at me universe' and three hours later I was ordering an extra large pizza in bed in the dress I had gone out in. Well played universe.
If you're going to drink sriracha straight from the bottle whilst crying, at least wear the giant sombrero for the enjoyment of your audience.
So to add to headbutting the microwave while waiting for my hot pockets to cook. I apparently told both bartenders earlier in the night I was going to fuck them both. I hate black out drunk me..
This bar smells like your ball sack. In a weird way I miss you.
Can my mom come with to the bar? Prince just died and I feel like I need to take her out to cheer her up.
What are best friends for?
Picking your clothes up from a one night stand you had nearly 2 months ago
I don't want a big night. But I am okay if we wake up in a penthouse at Crown Casino.
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