I got drunk and threw up on a kid at the amusement park. I think they're pressing charges.
So I ate yogurt with the back of my toothbrush. I feel like I've officially been initiated into college.
I'm telling people I'm celibate. It sounds cooler when it's by choice.
We're the kind of people who ruin family vacations
Before you say anything, my vagine does NOT discriminate against young dads
You said you were going to take the sideview mirror to your own car so that nobody would steal it. Thats why you woke up with it.
Clusterfucked is a frowned upon word in work related emails
There is a nerf war going on here. I just cleaned the blood out of the fridge
Question: would Brian be pissed if I brought his 17 year old sister as my date to the wedding?
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... So sensitive...
I don't know, I think having hemorrhoids shows character. You have to be trying pretty hard to get them.
I'm going to be drunk and braless all weekend. Let the festivities begin!
Sooo, did you delete me cause I said I wouldn't babysit you while you did shrooms? You're a grown man.
I blacked out. Broke into their house. Took a shit, and left. This is why you can't leave me unattended.
I woke up with my my shoes on and pants half way off and missing 60 dollars. Please please please tell me you saw me last night.
Randomize
