Can't remember why I called but it definitely had something to do with Lou Bega
Welcome to my life. currently drinking beer through two straws. easier/faster that way.
My gynecologist just commented on how well my vagina was waxed
He paid me to blow him while doing a handstand. Does that make me a whore or just a budding gymnast?
We are stranded. Come find us. Bring an egg
Please tell me you're not home alone watching Glitter.
Can you see in?
Do you think I could get someone from tinder to drive me to the airport?
Needless to say, I woke up on the bathroom floor wearing the dress that my mom wore to the wedding. That open bar stole my soul.
I might volunteer to give breath samples on the 17th where I would be required to get drunk and then give samples! THE POLICE WOULD PAY ME AND PROVIDE THE ALCOHOL!
Do u ever find yourself high af, watching American ninja warrior and crying at the athletes stories?
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
I'm using emojis for drug deals now. It's time to kill me.
You know the force is loosing strength when Darth Vader can't handle his liquor on halloween.
I climbed on the arm of the futon, flapping my hand fan frantically and hissing imprecations at the smoke detector
Instead of.being an intelligent and mature adult and dealing with my feelings I chose to get hammered and fuck flounder
Eh it happens
Randomize
