i just spit dirty mouth water on my dentist. and apparently grinning sheepishly and saying "my b" doesn't make it better
the only thing i can think of after seeing avatar is "when are they gonna make avatar porn?"
If your dick isn't up when i get home you're catching tonight.
Last night you were talking while puking saying, "ahh the shoes and the purse, I'm gonna have to wash those"
there's nothing like the elf drinking game to get me in the christmas spirit.
I'm also glad were at the point in our friendship where my vagina talking to you isn't weird
But the ghost of his schlong past haunts you
They should have to wear some identification that warns you to stay away. Like one of those cones dogs wear to keep them from biting stitches. CONE OF SHAME.
My costume for the end of the world party was a success. Everyone in the ER thought I was there because I got hit by a car when it was actually from alcohol poisoning.
It's like... Even my horoscope knows I had an awkward threesome last night.
I left the bar I'm on a bench across from the bowling alley taking a nap please come get me. I've had three lollipops.
no we have a special triathlon I'm entering us in. drinking, fucking, and sleeping. I think we have a good shot.
I think he's only dating me for my ass...
I am 95% sure I just heard my cat say "What are you doing home? It's Saturday night."
Pretty sure he proposed because my house is awesome. His ass is a ten and he's offering to pay more than half the bills... How expensive is a divorce really? I mean I could probably put up with him for three or four years but a lifetime is a big ask.
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