Just caught my bro jerking off to a lane Bryant catalog
I vaguely remember telling people they were not trash cans
I just saw a fat chick walking across campus talking to herself and licking her lips. Diet season is scary.
Nope she woke up in a hotel room alone on 55th street. A guy in a lamborgini gave her a ride this morning. She was walking barefoot home
Him cheating on his girlfriend resulted in a $1500 hospital bill from repeated blows to his testicles by my ass. They diagnosed his pain as "testicle trauma". Sex karma at it's finest.
This would be a good time to bring up the fact that my spider-man fork is MIA
I told my dad my stomach hurt and he bet me ten bucks I couldn't throw up on command. He has no idea what I did last night and I got ten bucks.
Definitely had a dick in my ass while watching the Seahawks win. Best NFC Championship game ever.
Next time, dont ever let me talk to a guy drunk, especially if I have class with him the next day
Who do you have class with??
The guy that pulled down his pants in the middle of the dance floor to show me his tattoo
Last night I made the hotel shuttle driver take me to Walgreens for birth control, and Pringles.
They were both high priority
Hoping to get a pic of me on the tractor with an erection for you one of these days.
Ok, in complete transparency, I am eating a cookie on my bed naked while reading a Halo novel.
i would stab him if he didn't just tell me he is a priest
Taking a shit in a Texas 7/11... not accepting phone calls now lol
On cleanup... i've counted 94 solo cups so far.. oh, and i found a miniature top hat in the microwave
Randomize
