i'm starting to get pissed at how pandora is trying to force coldplay on me
she smelled like a LAN party
I woke up laying in alphagetti with the message "I'd go get checked asap" written out in the letters.
And then I asked the bartender for my third shot and he told me he had to cut me off at two because this was in fact a family fun center
Almost told my boss I was an expert aat swallowing when he questioned my ability to take excedrin,xanax, and a vitamin all at once. It was a medicinal gang bang lubricated by arizona tea.
I know you're gay. But if I'm not getting dick, then you have to. That's what friends do.
I'm surprised, it's been so long you must be starving
At a certain point, the zombie-like hunger goes away. Then the sadness sets in. Then you start lying to yourself that you're taking some "me time." Then you remember you dodged chlamydia and Buddha knows what else. Then you're at peace with it.
I woke up to my one night stand and he said, "now that's the one to beat"
I just need to drink whiskey get off and eat some cheese. Why is that so fucking hard for god to deliver.
I feel like I could get pregnant watching Zac Efron do yard work in this movie
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
COME TO THE TOP OF THE MOUNTAIN AND I WILL GIVE YOU MY SAGE ADVICE.
I possibly am a tad bit not really but maybe slightly intoxicated.
i love you and all, but can that be the last orgy with your wife?
I am the image of restraint, it's why im just hungover and not in the hospital
Randomize
