Dude, the girl next to me just farted. Worst part, it smells like astroglide
After I just paid $211 for my hair to be dyed and cut this guy at the bar said "I know you died your hair with koolaid, but I'd still fuck the shit out of you"
My parents just suggested that we tailgate the midnight christmas service. this is my gene pool.
Wow that was a lesbian tornado.
Just found out they make medicinal lollipops, bought like 40 of them. Gonna go fill a pediatricians lollipop bowl.
We are lost and the only things we have are peanut brittle, cookies and vodka. I think we'll make it.
Its only fair we share our golden vaginas with the world. It would be selfish if we didn't.
I woke up in bed alone w 2 bite marks on my boob... Salt and pepper shakers In my purse along w a bottle of steak sauce.... The drunkasauraus has struck again
I literally just biked home like I was on the last leg about to win the tour du France. Fuck diarrhea
Debating going to the grocery store with my vibrator still in, cause I can't stand the idea of it out. Lets do some risk/reward
HE JUST ALLUDED TO FUCKING MY FRESH LOAF OF BREAD
I'm in his bed with no pants on and he's just eating a sloppy joe
It's finals week and I'm halfway done with this bag of wine and don't plan on stopping. Say goodbye to my GPA
i swear every fucking time i plan a party, one of our "friends" holds their shit in all week just to punch one off into the master bathroom after i pass out. it's almost like that dump you would see in a port a potty.
I mean, I'm not upset that HE's getting married, I'm upset his penis has to go through with it by default
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