his personality makes his face look like an asshole.
jacking off on stolen wireless... gotta enjoy the small things in life
thanks for singing to me while i puked last night
It's amazing how much better one feels once you put something in your vagina.
apparently he's bringing me two things i like. he said one was him and i'm assuming the other one is his penis
We played shuffleboard at the bar last night...another sign we are getting tooooo old.
Why have they been driving around the block for the past 30 min?
He told her it was international road head day.
Now that you're back together are you gonna tell him you set his stuff on fire?
I'm texting you the word "cockring" because I feel it hasn't been said enough throughout our friendship.
I was high last night eating a fudge bar and making eggs with toast and corned beef hash for a 2 am snack and my dad asked what I was and the only reply I could think of was "I'm an adult."
I'm not sorry for loving America more than everyone else
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
He literally stole all the change that was on my floor and ran away while I was peeing. I have to rethink my standards.
He flew in from NY last night. We had sex in the back of my car in the airport parking lot and then he fed me fresh Babka (from Breads Bakery) as I drove him home. I can't decide if I love him or Babka more.
I think I left my thong in your bed. Careful. It has the power to destroy the agitator on a washing machine
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