I heard some girl say 'yeah he mustve been so drunk he kept mumbling and repeating himself'
And I thought
Fuck I do that shit every weekend
Where are you?
In a non slutty way
I like how you refer to peeing in the car as "super cute"
I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
It's always a surprise to see what songs I shazamed and downloaded last night while we were drunk at the bar.
we made out inside of a kiddie slide for about 20 mins. it was the sexiest, most suffocating experience I've ever had
I got arrested for "public intoxication". Fuckers threw me out of the bar into public... i mean shit they have thirsty Thursdays. And I get thrown out for self serve Sundays plus a citation.
I just gave my mom some ones that look like they've probably been in some strippers cooter. Oops.
Haha. Just tell your mom not to smell them
Hey mom, most of this money I'm giving you is in ones. Don't ask why and whatever you do don't smell them.
Sounds legit to me.
In that case, if you come anywhere near my house you can expect to be chased down various streets by a half naked me wielding a baseball bat. No, I am not giving you my address.
Why so serious bruh
It's gotten to the point where waking up in my own apartment is a surprise
Wow two curved penises in one weekend. I feel like this may be good luck. Like finding a four leaf clover
It's not even 7 yet. She's singing you are my sunshine to the smirnoff bottle.
I come home to my brother mixing skittles and vodka. We're all proud of him.
I stopped telling people I'm a pansexual unless they ask first, really tired of explaining what that means.
Randomize
