I think your x's eyes are broken his new girl is so hit
As a driver I hate pedestrians, and as a pedestrian I hate drivers, but no matter what the mode of transportation, I always hate cyclists.
I want to get so wasted that I make middle aged irish men look like mormon girls
i'd date him for the sole reason that he thanks me after giving him head
There was no way out of it, seeing as I left my photo ID right next to the vomit.
tonight i'm going for the "i fuck with the lights on" look
quick, send me a pic of a fat chick eating ice cream in a bikini. no joke, no questions, just do it.
Asking him not to sleep with other girls is like asking me not to have my period apparently
P.S. It's common courtesy to let the girl your banging know if she's about to walk into the same place your girlfriend is at so she can get her poker face ready
Hey I'm not sure why your jacket's covered in maple syrup but I just realized you didn't leave the house earlier wearing a jacket...
He professed his love for me while I danced on a picnic table with a bottle of Absolut. I said thank you and walked away.
he also bled all over my floor. unrelated to cats but true nonetheless.
I don't care how hot she was. She didn't like Scooby Doo and I don't fuck with that.
Hey I need you to run the morning meeting, for reasons I can explain when I find out where I left my car
Bruh. You offered the cashier tater tots that you had stuffed in your pocket.
Yeah, and? She might've been hungry.
Randomize
