apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
I miss being able to drink at 11am just cause it was sunny outside.
I need to stop having one night stands with guys in my building so I can have someone to borrow milk from without it being awkward
Nothing like a 3am firealarm to kick a booty call out...
Seriously, I'm ready to settle for ugly and unemployed as long as he has decent hygene and likes to go down.
I think for all the guys in my phone, I'm going to change their pictures to pics of their dicks. It's easier to identify them that way.
she chugged a bowl of salsa and then gave my ferret weight loss tips. she's like my fucking spirit animal now
If you say no to drinking on a Monday then I'm going to take you to the hospital for a MRI
I'm going to try and loofah my hangover away.
Update: It didn't work
GUESS WHOSE BEST FRIEND IS OUT OF PRISON!
Mixing Powerade and white wine has been one of my better ideas.
I love you man but my hope is that you will not wake me up again by pissing on me
I got really stoned and got my certification as an ordained minister. How productive has your day been?
I’ve cut back on drinking and now my body can’t fight off all the bad germs without the alcohol. That’s why I keep getting sick
How was I supposed to know the accent was fake before i slept with him
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