And then i made him answer questions about me before i took off my clothes
it's like i need an invisible sign across my boobs that says "DOESN'T HAVE DADDY ISSUES" that only old men can see
you kept saying 'its nothing a six pack wont fix' as they loaded you into the ambulance.
Bruises. Everywhere. Table sex is dangerous
All I had with a note saying that my shoes are in the ceiling and good luck.
You don't understand. He was so ginger that he could make red hair a dominant gene. And I refuse to torture my future spawn like that.
I may have just flashed my roommate as he walked in while my towel was falling. Now he knows what an American sized penis looks like I suppose
I'm driving up the street and can't tell if my ears are actually about to pop or not.
A solid 8.5 on the baked meter, I need to stop.
You looked up at me and said "I'm getting a mattress made out of this SHIT. Goodbye certa hellllllllo concrete!" then you started counting sheep
Dude, those shrooms u gave me made me remember writing the bible. Fuckn awesome
We were in his kitchen and she turned to me with a straight face and an avocado in her hand and said "Can we steal this?"
I literally farted midsex as a siren for him to get the fuck off me.. No such luck.
He was pretty bad, I wanted pizza the whole time.
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
So I crawled off the trampoline to puke in the neighbors yard. Wonderful house guest right here
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