my girlfriends now gay ex-boyfriend kissed me. tell maddie i can't hangout today
Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
I just claimed my unemployment in Vegas. This seems wrong.
I just found little boats floating in my bathtub....they are made out of white castle boxes, condoms, pickles, and corks. All the wine we bought is being used as the "ocean"....clearly we didn't drink any of the wine.....but I don't remember doing this.
Balls are wasted. Waste are ballsted. Ballsd wasted
She was trying to fuck the exchange student from France. His English is really bad and the music was loud so she just pointed to a beer bottle and then her vagina.
Found my shoes and purse. They're all strapped together in my neighbor's tree. Need to borrow your ladder. Thanks in advance
He tried to give me a shoulder massage while i peed in the neighbors bushes to "make it more relaxing."... I let him... That drunk
Called the cops on a high school party then went in after all the kids ran away and took the rest of the beer. What are you doing tonight?
cocks speak louder than words, as they say
Nobody says that.
WHO JUST REMOVED THAT SAME BOARD IN TWO MINUTES FLAT WITH NO INJURIES, SHOES, SOCKS, OR BRA?! THIS BITCH. CRACKIN A BEER FOR DA SHOWA. BITCHES AIN'T SHIT MOTHAFUCKA
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
To be fair, I'm probably one of the better candidates for the role of 'baby daddy' in this town
I said his dick tasted like a Hawaiian Sweet Roll. And then I yelled MAHALO.
We hooked up last night. I think it was great for our friendship.
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